Repeated Patterns
The tears, they drop again
The sadness comes in waves
The realization that once again
Another pattern emerged.
The time spent on visitation weekends
Took me away from her
Away from my problems
Away from reality.
Repeated pattern.
The long-distance relationship
It was hard with weeks spent apart
But the joy of being together again
Was worth it all.
In the end, it was the same.
The same sorrow of being apart
Hopeful of being together again
Happiness when reunited.
Repeated pattern.
I loved him and I left him.
She did it first.
I loved him, and I almost left him.
She did that too.
Repeated pattern.
I learned to walk away from people.
I learned to keep my loyalty to unhealthy things.
I learned to lie and to steal.
They’ll tell you that wasn’t them.
But it was – it was them, in the dark.
I was raised in the dark.
Repeated pattern.
My informal and formal training taught me.
To put others first.
I am really good at that.
My mind was trained to be obedient.
But myself?
She always comes last.
Repeated pattern.
Now I set boundaries.
Back then, I accepted a lot.
But it matters how you treat me.
And I can only take it for so long.
Repeated pattern.
My soul – she screams.
She screams for liberation.
She breaks rules where she can, because she can.
She sees through them.
That rules are limitations.
And she yearns to be free.
Repeated pattern.
Like all the women before.
They were all rebels in their own way.
One broke away from the Catholic church.
One started going to church.
One went to work when women stayed home.
Patterns, they can change.
But for one woman?
She continued the pattern of abuse.
Emotional abuse. Jealousy. Insecurity.
Blamed everybody else.
Repeated pattern. Time and again.
The connections,
They come fast and furious now.
When I am least expecting it,
It hits me.
I see it now.
The things I did for love. Things I do for love.
How my love is expansive. Warm. Caring.
But it was nothing like I received; not from them.
Especially not from her.
Repeated pattern no more.
